Mom and Dad
by sweetie buttons
Summary: Ever wondered what the parents in those Goosebumps books thought? PARODY
1. Monster Blood

I have come up with an amazing idea. I am going to leave my son Evan with my husband's aunt, Kathryn, while we go house hunting in Atlanta. The thing is, Kathryn is deaf, and hasn't learned to lip read or use sign language. I know it sounds irresponsible of me to leave him with her, and… well, it is. But I think it's also a stroke of genius on my part, leaving the brat with someone who can't listen to him whine.

My husband disagreed with that decision, so we argued about it. Evan eavesdropped on us. Brat. He thinks he's so clever and sneaky, that we don't know he constantly eavesdrops on us. I should probably tell him to stop, but what's the point? He never listens to me.

Of course, the second we got there the brat started whining. Exact conversation:

 **Evan** : *tugging my hand* I don't want to stay here. Please don't leave me here.

 **What I wanted to say** : SHUT UP! God, SHUT UP! I'd take you with me if you weren't so unbearable!

 **What I actually said** : Evan, you're twelve. Don't act like an infant.

 **Evan** : I hate when you say that!

 **What I wanted to say** : And I hate it when you whine like a little bitch, but we can't always have our way, can we?

 **What I actually said** : Nothing. I raised my hand, wanting to slap him, but then I realised if I did, he'd never stop whining. So instead, I "gently" ran my hand through his hair. Of course, he whined about that, too.

 **Evan** : And I hate it when you do that! Don't touch my hair. I hate it!

 **What I wanted to say** : What did I ever do deserve your whining?

 **What I actually said** : I guess you hate me, then.

 **Evan** : *not denying that he hates me – I guess my feelings towards him are mutual* Why can't I come with you? Just give me one good reason.

 **What I wanted to say** : Because you're an insufferable brat who makes my life hell every time you open your mouth.

 **What I actually said** : Your shoelace is untied.

 **Evan** : So? I like 'em untied.

 **What I wanted to say** : I hope you also like a slap to the face, because that's what you're going to get if you keep this up.

 **What I actually said** : You'll trip.

 **Evan** : Mom – have you ever see anyone trip because their sneaker was untied?

 **What I wanted to say** : Please get away from me.

 **What I actually said** : Well… no.

And so on and so on. FINALLY, I managed to drag him into the house. Once we were inside, Kathryn took an interest in Evan's love life. She asked if he had a girlfriend. Then she kept going on about how "He likes the girls, eh? Just like his father. His father always liked the girls." Evan looked horrified. It was quite amusing despite the awkwardness.

Then Evan started whining again. I gave him some money, hoping it would shut him up. Then I left for my vacation from Evan – I mean, to look for houses in Atlanta.

The truth is, we found a house in the first few days, but we still wanted some time away from Evan, so when we called him, I lied and said we needed more time. Shockingly, he didn't whine about this, and just said everything was fine…at first. Then he said he thought Kathryn hated him. Whoa, Kathryn and I have something in common! Of course, I reassured him and said "oh, I'm sure she doesn't hate you", blah blah blah.

The weeks after that were bliss. Actually, the entire vacation – I mean, house hunt was bliss. But of course, all good things must come to an end. I have to pick up the brat now. Wish me luck!

…I have no idea what just happened. Long story short, Kathryn isn't deaf anymore, there's a blob of green goo in the house, and Evan has gained a few bruises and a new friend. I'm just as confused as you are.

First of all, Kathryn told me the most insane story. She lost me at "evil cat witch". I thought she had completely lost it, so I just smiled and nodded until it was time to leave. But then Evan told me it was true. I thought he was playing some kind of joke on me, so I just ignored him. Either that or he's spent too much time with Kathryn and became just as batty as her.

What's more, Evan actually made a friend. Can you BELIEVE that? I've barely managed to restrain myself from flinging him off a cliff all the time I've had to raise him. The idea of someone willingly choosing to spend time with him because they like him is baffling to me.

What's more, they were flirting with each other. Well. Sort of. As close as twelve-year-olds get to flirting, anyway. I overheard him awkwardly offer to write to her and she offered to call him, just as awkwardly. Ah, awkward preteen flirting. She's pretty, I'll give her that. He has good taste. Can't say the same about her.

And Evan has a few bruises on his face. I'm guessing someone finally got sick of his whining and decided to teach him a lesson. I asked him about it. Not because I cared, but because I wanted to know who did it so I could congratulate them. Also because I knew he'd whine about it anyway. Shockingly, he tried to brush it off as nothing. Those people must've beaten him into submission. Either that or they threatened to hurt him if he told anyone. Probably the latter. I decided to let it slide since we were flying to Atlanta in a while and they couldn't bother him there unless they were really determined.

Okay, this is ridiculous. We're on the plane, and Evan is STILL going on about Kathryn's made up story. Maybe Kathryn put something strange in the food she gave him. I'm sure it'll wear off in a few hours.

 **I actually don't hate Evan. In fact, I sympathise with him a lot and think he gets way too much hate. I even wrote a post defending him on the Goosebumps Reddit that you can check out if you want. However, it's still fun to write about his mom making fun of him.**


	2. Monster Blood II

It was a normal night. I was making dinner while my son Evan was whining about something that I pretended to care about, when all of a sudden I got a visit from Evan's science teacher. Oh, great. He said he needed to have a talk with me. At first I thought Evan had called him dumb again, so I debated on whether I should say "I'm sorry", "I'll speak to him about it", "Don't take it personally", "If you don't want him to call you dumb, maybe you shouldn't make fun of him in front of the whole class", or all four. Evan hadn't called him dumb again. Instead, the teacher told me this weird story involving a giant hamster. First cat witches, now giant hamsters? I swear, every adult my son comes into contact with seems to be on drugs. He must be contagious. Like Kathryn, I thought he too had completely lost it, so I smiled and nodded again until he left.

But not before he gave Evan a present. That present was the class hamster. Oh no, not _another_ mouth to feed! What's more, Evan invited his friend Andy over for dinner. If I'm not careful, she'll be coming over for dinner every other day and before I know it, Evan will have talked me into adopting her, just like he talked me into adopting his dog Trigger. One child and one pet is already way too much for me, I don't need two of each!

Evan and Andy are a great comedy duo, though. It was quite amusing watching them banter. And Andy's not too bad. She threatened Evan with physical violence a few times, so she's alright in my book.

The good news is, Evan didn't seem any happier about the hamster his teacher gave him than me, so we agreed to return it to the school as soon as possible. It'll have to stay for the night, though. Should I feed it? What do hamsters eat? Or is it okay if I don't feed it for a night? How do I get myself into these situations? Better question, how does _Evan_ get himself into these situations? Ugh, whatever. I'll just going to sleep and hope the thing doesn't kill me or Evan. Not that I'd mind if it killed him. One less mouth to feed, right?


	3. Monster Blood III

Guess who I'm abandoning my dear son Evan with this time? My dear sister, Dee. Her name suits her, because she is a dick. And she's just gotten worse since the birth of her "son", Kermit. Yes, Kermit. She must hate him even more than I hate Evan. Actually, she doesn't hate him. That disappoints me. I was hoping we could get together and complain about our children sometime. But not only does she not hate him, she worships him. She acts like he's the most **precious** angel to ever step on the planet.

Kermit is even worse than Evan. But at least he's a smart brat. Evan's just a brat. Dee confuses me. She really does. How can she raise a kid as horrible as Kermit, and STILL think he's a perfect angel who can do no wrong? Evan is the dumbest kid I know, and even HE can tell how horrible Kermit is just by spending two hours with him, and she can't even tell that he's not perfect by spending eight years with him. Or maybe she knows exactly how rotten her spawn is, and is just feigning ignorance because she hates Evan as much as I do and likes seeing her son torture him.

I'm making Evan babysit him. Predictably, he wasn't happy about that. Time for another round of what I wish I wanted to say vs what I actually said!

 **Evan** : Kermit is probably busy blowing up the house.

 **What I wanted to say** : I wish somebody would blow up you.

 **What I actually said** : All the more reason for you to hurry. You're responsible for him, Evan. You're in charge of your cousin until his mom gets home from work.

 **Evan** : I can't believe he's my cousin. He's such a nerd!

 **What I wanted to say** : That's funny, I always thought, "I can't believe you're my son. You're such a brat!"

 **What I actually said** : Kermit's not a nerd. He's a genius! Eight years old and already a scientific genius.

 **Evan** : Some genius. Mom, yesterday he melted my sneakers.

 **What I wanted to say** : Really? I must go congratulate him!

 **What I actually said** : He what?

 **Evan** : He had one of his concoctions. It was a bright yellow liquid. He said it would toughen up my sneakers so they'd never wear out again.

 **What I wanted to say** : I wish I was there so I could take pictures.

 **What I actually said** : And you let him pour that stuff over your sneakers?

 **Evan** : I didn't have a choice. I have to do everything Kermit says, or he'll tell Aunt Dee I was being mean to him.

 **What I wanted to say** : Kind of like how I can't slap you or tell you to shut up or you'll never stop whining about it. Now you know what it's like. Karma, eh?

 **What I actually said** : I wondered why you came home barefoot yesterday.

But Kermit wasn't the only thing he whined about. He also whined about - get this - the color of his Jell-O. He said he didn't want it to be green because it "reminded him of the monster blood". I wish I had taken him on that trip to Atlanta all those months ago. Even his whining would be easier to deal with than this PTSD complex he's developed. Naturally, I rolled my eyes and called him weird.

Once he FINALLY shut up, I sent him on his way to Kermit's house. I know that the last time I left him with an aunt, he nearly died, but - well, the last time I sent him with an aunt, he nearly died! Hopefully this time he really will die. Sadly, he didn't. He did come back with another near death story for me. I acted all fake concerned and pretended to care.

By the way, get this: Kermit lives next to a kid called Conan Barber. Between him, Kermit and Evan's very female friend Andy, it seems that everyone hates their kids nowadays. Glad to see I'm not alone.

 **I've always found it funny that Evan's mom doesn't even care when Evan tells her Kermit melted his sneakers and is always getting him trouble with Aunt Dee. You'd think she'd talk to Dee or Kermit about it, but no, she just tells him to be careful and sends him on his way.**


	4. Monster Blood IV

As you've probably guessed by now, I'm leaving Evan with Dee and Kermit again while my husband and I are going on vacation. He only agreed to babysit Kermit because Dee would pay him enough money so he could go to summer camp. It's a win win because I'll be happy since he'll be away from me and he'll be happy since he'll get to go to summer camp. Not that I care what makes him happy, but it's a bonus for me since I won't have to listen to him whine. Hopefully it'll be one of those summer camps infested with purple blob monsters or possessive ghost girls.

Being the caring mother I am, I knitted Evan a sweater to shield him from the cold, and being the ungrateful son he is, he complained about my selfless act of generosity. Oh, alright. Evan told me he didn't want me to make his sweater green, and you know how much I love torturing him, so I decided to make it green. Of course, he immediately started complaining about how it "reminded him of the monster blood". Poor child, he really is becoming a total crybaby.

 **Short chapter and abrupt ending, but I couldn't think of anything else to write. Anyway, that's Monster Blood done. I'm actually working on another Monster Blood parody that I might publish separately.**


	5. Say Cheese and Die - Again!

Well, would you look at that. It appears my son Greg has neglected his health to the point where he's become morbidly obese. And instead of just telling him lay off on the candy and work out more, my wife insisted that we take him to a doctor. Really? We're wasting money on a doctor when Greg can easily solve this problem by just being more healthy? And not only that, but the doctor couldn't find out what was wrong with him. Even a trained medical professional can't come to the obvious conclusion and put Greg on a diet. What's more, he got so fat that I had to buy another car to drive him to school in. I can't believe I'm wasting all this money just because Greg refuses to take responsibility for his health.

It's kind of a shame, because I told Greg that if he got his English grades up, we'd take him to visit his cousins in California. That way, it's a win-win situation for everyone. I'll be free from Greg for the spring, his school won't bother us about his grades, and Greg will have a good vacation. But now there's no way he'll fit on a plane.

Well, there is one silver lining to this whole thing. I'm slightly comforted by the knowledge that Greg will be relentlessly bullied at school.


	6. One Day at Horrorland

So my wife got the brilliant idea to plan a family vacation for us. She said it would be a "nice way to relax" and a "family bonding experience". Doesn't she realise nothing can make me relax with a nagging wife like her and two shitty kids? She kept on and on bugging me about it until I said yes. God, she's annoying. We're going to a place called Zoo Gardens Theme Park, which is a really weird name. It's a zoo, a garden, AND a theme park, all in one?

Soon my wife and I were buckled in the car with me, Luke, Lizzy, and Luke's friend. What's his name, Conan, Cooper? Whatever. I have no idea why we decided to bring him along. It's not enough I go somewhere with my family, I have to bring along this random kid?

Naturally, it didn't take long for us to get totally lost. Typical. And, typically, my wife started bitching at me for forgetting the map. My patience was already at its breaking point from listening to Luke, Lizzy and Tagalong Kid fight in the backseat, so it took all of my self control to not snap at her, but somehow I didn't.

Then when the three brats started going at each other again, I again somehow used enough self control to not yell at them and instead told them to "chill out", and Lizzy thanked me for my patience and self control by saying "Dad, no one says chill out anymore". That's when I lost all my patience and started yelling at her. To be fair, Lizzy wasn't really doing anything wrong. It was mostly Luke and Tagalong Kid annoying her, and she was probably as tired of their antics as I was. But I had already used up my two patience passes for the day, and Lizzy was the person unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end of my wrath.

After several more minutes of driving aimlessly around the desert, I seriously lost it. Now, you must understand how stressed I was. I was hot and hungry, I had been driving for hours, and I had spent those hours listening to my wife nagging me as well as Luke, Lizzy and Tagalong Kid's antics, which would be enough to drive anyone mad.

So when my dumb cow of a wife suggested I ask for directions (who the hell should I ask for directions from in the middle of a goddamn desert?), I totally lost it. I started screaming and shaking my fist at her. I desperately wished to punch her, but if I did, I'd probably get distracted from driving and get into a car crash that would horrifically kill us all. Then again, that wouldn't be so bad. Death would be a relief compared to being trapped in a stuffy car with three bratty kids and a nagging wife. She didn't make matters better by clarifying that she meant if I see a gas station. Does she have no brain cells whatsoever? Where the hell would I find a gas station in a freaking desert? Sometimes I wondered why I married this woman.

Just as if I was contemplating whether I should really crash the car and end my suffering, we came to a place called Horrorland. Apparently it's some horror theme park. I'm sure it can't be more horror-filled than that car drive was. Since our chances of finding Zoo Gardens Theme Park (seriously, what is up with that name?) were nil, I let the kids go there instead. At least I'd get rid of them for a while that way, and they hopefully might get killed or at least injured on one of the rides.

Just as I was starting to feel better about the prospect of ridding myself of Luke, Lizzy and Tagalong Kid for a while, guess what happened? The car exploded. No, really. _Exploded_. I'm not exaggerating. Thankfully, not while I was in it, though it's a shame it couldn't have exploded while Luke, Lizzy, Tagalong Kid, or my wife were in it. I acted like a reasonable person, suggesting to call the police, but the weirdos in costumes who supervised the park just told me to enjoy my stay there. Oh, have fun at Horrorland! And your car exploded, no biggie. Truthfully, the reason I was so upset about this is because I was planning on dropping the kids and my wife off at Horrorland and then driving away, but now there's no chance of doing that.

For some reason, Luke didn't care at all about the car exploding and instead kept insisting on visiting Horrorland. That's Luke for you. Nothing can knock that annoying enthusiasm out of him. I reminded myself about how he could die or get injured on one of the rides there and agreed. My wife and I told the kids to go on the rides together and meet up with us later. I was kind of hoping my wife would go with them and they would all get themselves horrifically killed, but I'll take what I can get.

Just as I was thinking I had lost them for good, my wife insisted we search the park for the kids. Oh no, however shall we go on with our lives without their constant bickering? I agreed just to see the state they were in. Would they be injured, maimed, or dead? If we found their corpses somewhere, it would be the happiest day of my life. But, sadly, we found them alive and completely intact.

My wife and I decided to go on a ride then. I reasoned that if none of the rides hurt Luke, Lizzy and Tagalong Kid, it surely wouldn't hurt me. Plus, I was getting bored of just standing around the park and waiting for the kids to get themselves killed.

The ride started out pretty boring. We were just lying on our backs in coffins that were floating slowly in the water. Ooh, much horror. When the lid of the coffin slammed shut, it got a little more interesting, but still wasn't nearly as scary enough for a theme park advertised to be terrifying. The moment the ride got really good was when I saw a few spiders in the coffin. I admit, the special effects were pretty impressive. The others didn't seem to think so, too. I could hear them screaming their heads off in their coffins. What a bunch of pussies. Can't they tell this is all fake?

When we got out of the ride, they all acted like wimps and demanded to go home. I agreed just because I was tired of hearing their annoying screaming and whining, but then remembered we didn't have a car. Luckily, one of the guides of the park in those weird costumes was kind enough to give us a new one, and also told us we were being recorded on TV the whole time. I'm not sure whether to be excited about being on TV, or shocked that the guides in this place would record people's fear and horror for other people to watch for entertainment later. Though, to be fair, that is the basis of most reality TV.

Just as I thought this weird day was about to be over, the guides of the park announced that there was yet another game we had to play. Another? Jesus, will this day never end? Except this time, it was one where we had to fight for our lives. And this is being recorded for people's entertainment. A bunch of monsters showed up and we had to run past them. I was hoping one of the others would get killed or at least maimed by them, and at first, it seemed like they were. It was announced that three out of five of the contestants were dead. My wife and I had made it to safety, so I thought that meant two out of Luke, Lizzy or Tagalong Kid had perished, but then, unfortunately, I saw that they were all safe.

Then there was a bunch of other stuff where the guides of the park tried to kill us. Whatever, the exact details don't matter. Eventually we managed to drive home in our new car. While I am thankful that I at least got a new car out of this whole ordeal, it is a shame that the items in our old car are destroyed forever. Also, I thought it was obligatory to test amusement parks or something before releasing them to people. There's no way Horrorland would have been deemed as safe.

Just when I thought it was finally, FINALLY all over, it turned out one of the guides in the weird costumes had been riding on our car the entire way home. Alright, there's no way I couldn't have seen that. But I've seen enough crazy shit today, so I didn't spend much time pondering how I didn't see him. He offered us tickets for Horrorland next year. Actually, that's not a bad idea. I couldn't get my family and Tagalong Kid killed this time, but maybe I'll be more successful next year. Actually, probably not considering they're now probably terrified of the park – but that would be implying they're smart enough and have enough self-preservation to avoid the place, which I doubt they do.

 **Luke and Lizzy's dad is right, they weren't smart enough considering they returned in Return to Horrorland.**


	7. The Cuckoo Clock of Doom

My son has got to be the biggest wimp in existence. He's twelve, and he lets his seven-year-old sister push him around. No, not just push him around. He lets her define his entire life. That's just sad. What kid allows themself to be at the mercy of someone half their age? To be fair, my daughter is basically a budding sociopath, but she could be cured of that with a good slap. When Michael finally reaches his limit and beats the crap out of her to teach her some decency, then I'll have some respect for him. But right now, it's just sad and pathetic how much affect she has over him.

That's why I let her get away with everything she does to him. I know exactly what a manipulative little shit she is, but I won't be doing Michael any favors by fighting his battles for him. Sooner or later, he's going to have to learn to stand up for himself, without anyone holding his hand and fixing all his problems for him. And learning to stand up to a seven-year-old is one of the most basic life skills you need to learn. If he lets someone so young push him around, he doesn't deserve me being a fair parent.

 **Can be either Michael's mom or dad, though I pictured it being more his dad.**


End file.
